16 Things It Takes You A Lifetime To Learn

   1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
       on the same night.

   2. If you had to identify in one word, the reason why the human race
       has not achieved and never will achieve, in its full potential, that
       word would be "meetings."

   3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

   4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
       want you to share yours with them.

   5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

   6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

   7. Never lick a steak knife.

   8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

   9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
       compelling reason why we observe Daylight Savings Time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests 
      that you think she's pregnant, unless you can see an actual baby emerging
      from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to 
      make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
       religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down
       inside, we ALL believe that we are "above average" drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person.
      (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
       built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine...they start out as grapes,
       and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they
       turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

  FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
  There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on
  Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large
  elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no
  recollection of what to do with them!